JAMES TAM  谭炳昌

In prison, strangers from unthinkable corners of society live closely together for a term of time, then go their own ways. In all likelihood, they may never meet again, especially for ‘non-professionals’ like myself. Like nomads chancing upon each other in the desert, courtesy cannot be taken for granted. Spontaneous kindness to a stranger under that situation is genuinely moving, especially when that stranger is me.

监狱内，各色人等来自五湖四海，萍水相逢，品流复杂，与大漠驿站有几分相似。除了部分黑道老相识和惯犯常客外，有缘共住一牢的绝大多数刑满后各走各路，纵使重逢也不识，就算在惩教署的管控下不会互相劫杀，也没有必要以温情相待

I won’t give up hope, but am trying not to think about the future, or the past. The dilemma is I don’t wish to focus on the present either. I think the adage ‘live in the moment’ needs reconsideration. What if the moment is abominable, like, right now? Contrived positive thinking aside, adapting to being locked up is tough. Having adapted once, the prospect of repeating the process (should we lose the appeal and have to come back in after having been released on bail) becomes

律师们正在申请上诉，但我不敢评估胜算。在律师眼中，任何案件的胜败机率都是五十五十，现在才知道这是经验判断，并非滑头，虽然律师一般都惯性滑头。 我知道现在需要保持积极心态和适应能力，但上诉也会带来额外的心理负担。假如我们被批回家等上诉，又假如上诉失败要回来二次适应的话，会比现在加倍难受。得而复失的心理起落可能是最要命的折腾。反正不可能因此而放弃，唯有见步走步，活在当下，不放弃争取，也不抱有幻想。近日对「活在当下」这乍听理所当然的禅语多了感悟，在此一言难尽。。。

Given a choice between forced indolence and forced labour, I suspect most people would opt for the former, unless they have experienced sitting in a room full of noisy men who have no other occupation but sitting in a room full of noisy men, day after day, year after year. In that non-event, time — that mystically elastic entity which Einstein said varies with speed, that abstract marker of life which prisoners are condemned to serve — may gum up and stall.

在强迫劳动与强迫不劳动之间有选择的话，相信大部分人都会选择不劳动。然而无所事事等出册看似容易，其实不然。天天呆坐硬凳吸收二手浓烟、看空洞的电视节目、听夸张的江湖轶事、吃不变的监房膳食，虽然不算十分难受，时间长了却会令人五蕴麻痹，感到时光停滞，徒刑无期。

Hollywood prisons are full of hairy, muscular, stinky, beastly cons, shimmering with sweat, indiscriminately sex-crazed without due respect to gender, age, religion, situation, or political persuasion. Maybe that’s reality, who knows? Instinctual needs of the younger cons cannot be simply ignored, unless...

年轻犯人在囚期间的性需要是个棘手的现实问题，儿童不宜，不好拿捏，却无法逃避。 荧光灯下的犯人通常高大多毛，贱肉横生，浑身臭汗，无人性，无意识，在极度呕心的情况下也激素横流，随时随地病态冲动，饥不择食，呕心程度非常人所能想像。既然无法想像，那么荧幕上的情境只不过是博取票房的夸张手段，无需认真。想不到自己一旦成了阶下囚，想像力突然丰富起来，所有难以想像的情况都变得非常可能——万一电影原来真的反映了现实的话，怎生是好？

Humans fantasise themselves lovers of variety, serendipity, challenges and, believe it or not, adventures. This romantic illusion, creates an irrational discontent about a steady and predictable life such as the one at Tong Fuk prison. The menu was precise and consistent. One knew exactly what will be served for dinner tonight, tomorrow, and the third Thursday nineteen months into the future. Notwithstanding high predictability, many things in jail defy understanding.

监房的常规大致上天天相同，周而复始，很少意料之外。其实高度稳定的日常规律有助减少活着便难免的无常忐忑，可惜懂得享受安逸的人是凤毛麟角。 生活在塘福，包吃包住，每天定时四餐，绝对没有营养不良的顾虑。膳食经专人设计，悉心安排，除了晚上的甜奶不宜食用外，其余三餐的味道、质量、营养价值都很合理，内容也规律，可预测性极高。每位犯人都知道今晚和明早吃啥，就算被判终身监禁的人，不过界的话，亦可准确预知剩余人生的每一餐饭。然而个中不少细节，却无法以常理解释。。。

Urban household cats are prisoners serving life sentences. All day long, all life long, apartment cats stalk their own shadows cast by indoor lights. Most will never get the chance to confront a real mouse. The only nocturnal fun is to curl up against stinky human feet, purring for favour. Tong Fuk cats are lucky exceptions. They are free, freer than the inmates, freer than the guards.

都市宠物都是被终身软禁的众生。家猫长期在几十平米的港式蜗居睡懒觉，在灯泡下与自己的影子捉迷藏。一生与鼠辈无缘，意外碰见的话随时会被吓得失魂落魄，夹着尾巴逃跑，唯有安分守己，伏在主人脚下闻臭味扮趣致，浑身发抖。从前的猫饮食多样化，人吃剩什么牠吃什么，经常有肉渣鱼碎落肚。现代猫每天干粮，工业味道日复一日，好不容易挨到寿元殆尽，走的大概率仍然是畜生道，回来继续吃有腥味的高价饼干。 比起家猫，狱中的猫儿非常幸运，讽刺地自由，与人类的地位平等，甚至超越。在猫爷面前，多少江湖好汉竞折腰，变得娘声乸气，「猫咪猫咪」，毫无黑帮风范。

I, a harmless old man, new and dumb, walked into Workshop Five to commence my career as a junior prison labourer with due meekness. There was a saying among the cons: ‘Eating and sleeping well reduces the sentence by a third.’ Mmm, what if one dreams of solitary confinement in the Water Rice Hole night after night, or getting chased down the street by the police or a chopper wielding competitor?

我以绝对弱势社群的谦逊姿态，俯首踏进五厂之门：哥儿们，老夫无党无派，无德无能无恶意，亦无公司包庇，现初到贵牢，人生例不熟，语言一知半解，万望见谅，多多包涵。 用小毛巾盖上眼睛，准备入睡。除了第一晚在荔枝角，一直都睡得不错，也算幸运。师兄都说「食得瞓得，受少三分一」，意思是睡得好等如每天缩减八小时刑期。然而人生究竟有没有「美梦」这回事呢？假如每晚做梦不是被行家追斩，便是遭到警察追捕，或身陷水饭房的话，食得瞓得真的有如受少了三分一吗？ 在稚嫩凶狠的回忆声中，我竟然在小毛巾后偷笑起来。今天这人生新谷底终于被捱过了，如无意外，大数据预测明天会更好。

Rehearsing death had been my therapeutic tactic for a long time. But the jail setting and a bad flu made it real.

监狱内身不由己，是感悟生离死别的好地方，甚是难得。 活着的人都没有死亡经验，所以对大限深感畏惧，普遍避忌。在严肃场合，「死」字不能提，谐音也可避则避。酒席上可以大谈生、老、病、但不宜说「死」，否则会被视为悲观、灰暗、不懂人情，同时亦不可谈屎说尿，因为污秽之物与死亡同属禁忌，懂规矩的人都假装不存在。奇怪的是，便秘乃没有粪便的恼人现象，也同样不可出口。反正身为社会一分子，「人之所畏，不可不畏」

Feels strange to be moving out of the supposedly worst jail in Hong Kong soon. I have just started to feel settled here. After the emotional tremors and aftershocks of the past week, I have a deeply irrational wish to hang on to anything familiar, even a hellhole. If I were allowed to choose, I might just stay where I am, until — until it’s time to go home for dinner...I never say 'that’s so sad' The phrase is over-uttered by too many who don’t mean it. But I do feel eerily s

面临过界，竟然有几分怅惘。戴力律师说荔枝角是全港最差的地狱监牢；纵使他的认识只局限律师探访室部分，但估计其他监狱的条件只会比这里好，不会更差。然而我穷了一生功力才刚刚开始适应，心理上不希望改变。允许我自作主张的话，会选择留在荔枝角，直至……直至放我回家。。。 「真悲哀！」我不常用「真悲哀」这经常被滥用的感叹，不过如此强蛮的诀别除了恐怖，还真的十分悲哀。。。如此粗暴的寻死，令我毛骨悚然。整个过程要在狱卒巡逻相隔的十五分钟内完成，没有丝毫空间犹疑。。。他要与生命决绝，将世界掐死，没有回旋余地，没有妥协空间。这是他蔑视命运的唯一方法；命运只能旁观，等着陪葬。

Marlboro hands me a news clipping of my verdict, expecting me to get excited over my own misfortune. If Jesus were crucified today, the apostles would probably line up to show him video clips of the crucifixion as soon as he emerged from momentary death. Many See Hings are from the working class, now called grassroots -- a green and refreshing metaphor suggesting that their underfoot station is natural and inevitable.

师兄们由于犯了罪，人生获得了额外时间，有条件将小报看完又看，任何细节都走不了眼。万宝路也不例外。早餐时，他递给我一小块从报章撕下有关约翰和我的新闻报道，似乎以为我会兴奋不已，连读三遍。我礼貌地接过报道，看了一眼，心想，假如犹太人的上帝今天才派独子下凡受死，手脚被钉穿窟窿的耶稣复活后现身门徒时，众人会否争先恐后与他分享几天前钉十字架的现场视频呢？ 师兄们大部分都是草根出身。现代人有文化，比较斯文虚伪，穷鬼不再叫穷鬼，叫草根，有绿油油的大地气息，也隐晦地反映了实况。有见过草根出头的吗？ 积谷防饥本是好习惯，但过分屯积以豢养子孙是社会毒瘤，无奈众人都争着生这毒瘤，将输在起跑线的家庭打落草根迷宫的同时，在自己的孩子身上压上五指山，剥夺了他们尝试自我腾飞的痛快人生，害人害己害子孙。