JAMES TAM  谭炳昌

I, a harmless old man, new and dumb, walked into Workshop Five to commence my career as a junior prison labourer with due meekness. There was a saying among the cons: ‘Eating and sleeping well reduces the sentence by a third.’ Mmm, what if one dreams of solitary confinement in the Water Rice Hole night after night, or getting chased down the street by the police or a chopper wielding competitor?

我以绝对弱势社群的谦逊姿态，俯首踏进五厂之门：哥儿们，老夫无党无派，无德无能无恶意，亦无公司包庇，现初到贵牢，人生例不熟，语言一知半解，万望见谅，多多包涵。 用小毛巾盖上眼睛，准备入睡。除了第一晚在荔枝角，一直都睡得不错，也算幸运。师兄都说「食得瞓得，受少三分一」，意思是睡得好等如每天缩减八小时刑期。然而人生究竟有没有「美梦」这回事呢？假如每晚做梦不是被行家追斩，便是遭到警察追捕，或身陷水饭房的话，食得瞓得真的有如受少了三分一吗？ 在稚嫩凶狠的回忆声中，我竟然在小毛巾后偷笑起来。今天这人生新谷底终于被捱过了，如无意外，大数据预测明天会更好。

Rehearsing death had been my therapeutic tactic for a long time. But the jail setting and a bad flu made it real.

监狱内身不由己，是感悟生离死别的好地方，甚是难得。 活着的人都没有死亡经验，所以对大限深感畏惧，普遍避忌。在严肃场合，「死」字不能提，谐音也可避则避。酒席上可以大谈生、老、病、但不宜说「死」，否则会被视为悲观、灰暗、不懂人情，同时亦不可谈屎说尿，因为污秽之物与死亡同属禁忌，懂规矩的人都假装不存在。奇怪的是，便秘乃没有粪便的恼人现象，也同样不可出口。反正身为社会一分子，「人之所畏，不可不畏」

Feels strange to be moving out of the supposedly worst jail in Hong Kong soon. I have just started to feel settled here. After the emotional tremors and aftershocks of the past week, I have a deeply irrational wish to hang on to anything familiar, even a hellhole. If I were allowed to choose, I might just stay where I am, until — until it’s time to go home for dinner...I never say 'that’s so sad' The phrase is over-uttered by too many who don’t mean it. But I do feel eerily s

面临过界，竟然有几分怅惘。戴力律师说荔枝角是全港最差的地狱监牢；纵使他的认识只局限律师探访室部分，但估计其他监狱的条件只会比这里好，不会更差。然而我穷了一生功力才刚刚开始适应，心理上不希望改变。允许我自作主张的话，会选择留在荔枝角，直至……直至放我回家。。。 「真悲哀！」我不常用「真悲哀」这经常被滥用的感叹，不过如此强蛮的诀别除了恐怖，还真的十分悲哀。。。如此粗暴的寻死，令我毛骨悚然。整个过程要在狱卒巡逻相隔的十五分钟内完成，没有丝毫空间犹疑。。。他要与生命决绝，将世界掐死，没有回旋余地，没有妥协空间。这是他蔑视命运的唯一方法；命运只能旁观，等着陪葬。

Marlboro hands me a news clipping of my verdict, expecting me to get excited over my own misfortune. If Jesus were crucified today, the apostles would probably line up to show him video clips of the crucifixion as soon as he emerged from momentary death. Many See Hings are from the working class, now called grassroots -- a green and refreshing metaphor suggesting that their underfoot station is natural and inevitable.

师兄们由于犯了罪，人生获得了额外时间，有条件将小报看完又看，任何细节都走不了眼。万宝路也不例外。早餐时，他递给我一小块从报章撕下有关约翰和我的新闻报道，似乎以为我会兴奋不已，连读三遍。我礼貌地接过报道，看了一眼，心想，假如犹太人的上帝今天才派独子下凡受死，手脚被钉穿窟窿的耶稣复活后现身门徒时，众人会否争先恐后与他分享几天前钉十字架的现场视频呢？ 师兄们大部分都是草根出身。现代人有文化，比较斯文虚伪，穷鬼不再叫穷鬼，叫草根，有绿油油的大地气息，也隐晦地反映了实况。有见过草根出头的吗？ 积谷防饥本是好习惯，但过分屯积以豢养子孙是社会毒瘤，无奈众人都争着生这毒瘤，将输在起跑线的家庭打落草根迷宫的同时，在自己的孩子身上压上五指山，剥夺了他们尝试自我腾飞的痛快人生，害人害己害子孙。

The shower hall is chaotic like the rest of LCK, and severely flooded...being naked without a tattoo makes me feel really naked. Now, where should I put my soap. There isn’t a holder anywhere, not even a chink in the wall. The floor is three inches under water. In the mouth? What if I swallow by accident?

澡堂在另一栋大楼，热闹气氛不逊于羁押中心的其他角落，但水患严重。劈劈啪啪，水声沸腾，有种洪荒水世界的压迫感，怕水的人可能会头晕。 肥皂放哪好呢？墙上没有肥皂盘或类似设备，地台离水面至少五六公分，可以放生金鱼，但不能储物。放口里？吞了怎办？

At Fan Tong, the Common Room, it took just a few minutes for my confidence, self esteem, judgement, and orientation to shatter...... It's a dreamland for people watching though. The perpetual circulation of inmates reminds me of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, a Jack Nicholson Classic.

犯人们鱼贯进入饭堂，似乎都知道自己所属位置。只有我……几位当值阿Sir好像没有察觉到我的窘态，或许察觉到但不予理会，岂有此理！我是犯人，他们是狱卒，世上没有犯人便没有狱卒，我是他们的生计，难道他们就没有责任协助安顿我这个米饭班主？ 监狱饭堂倒是观人阅相的好地方。不断穿梭的犯人令我想起一套旧电影《飞越疯人院》。。。从某角度看，监狱甚至比外面正常。环境所迫，大部分师兄都没有资格模仿现代精英，脱离现实讨活，环境迫他们相对理性务实。

窗外 传来几声清脆啁啾，生气勃勃，比野猫叫春悦耳太多了。鸟儿正在摸黑觅食，预示黎明将至。假如来生做蚯蚓，定要记得懒床，早起的虫儿被鸟啄。 怒眼疲乏不堪，却仍然死不瞑目地盯着眼前的空洞。 有很多理由愤怒，然而经过了一晚上的自我折腾，这些理由更加凌乱琐碎，失去了内容。有内容又如...

Do they mean to frame and jail innocent people? Don’t think so. They probably think they’re doing the right thing, if they bother to think at all. It’s only a job, a game with simple rules for simple people to play out their assigned roles in a world they don’t understand, but too lazy or afraid to ponder. Forgive them, or turn into ashes before 27 May 2014 — a simple choice.

As I worry about security and safety in HongKong's worst hellhole, more guards show up. Don’t know how many. The silence tells me there are more than one. Unlike the duty officer, their steps are light, purposeful, and ominous. Without a word, the gate is opened. Without a word, they leave. Quietness resumes, punctuated by caterwauling, humans snoring, and the roaring of my internal furnace stoked up afresh by volatile adrenalin and dark energy.

上回说到我取过晚餐后，跟着大队继续前行，复杂不安的心情的背后竟然有些急不急待！扰攘了大半天，终于可以亲自见识「地狱监房」究竟有多恐怖了。。。

Prison is not at all like what I had imagined

当笼车转入狭窄的「蝴蝶谷」时，庞大丑陋的荔枝角收押所赫然出现在狭路尽头。山穷水尽，走投无路，与蝴蝶自由浪漫的形象截然相反。荔枝角大堂与想象中的监房有天壤之别。

【Flower Lounge】 Table of Content and Chapter One -- Broken Reality. Prison was diabolically different from what I had imagined. During my first day in jail, reality broke.

《花厅》自白、目录，与第一章【断片】：一刹那前，犯人们还在高谈阔论想当年，欢乐之声震动着整个楼层，与走廊上以超高分贝广播电台节目的大喇叭斗闹。并无转眼之间，一切都静了下来。囚犯的叫嚷变了隆隆鼻鼾与零星窃语。令人窒息的浓烟也消减不少，尿骚味变得显著起来。两个截然不同的场景，唯一的连接是自以为一直没有中断的知觉。