JAMES TAM  谭炳昌

Finally, we've reached the end of the Flower Lounge story. Contemplation may not be an existential prerequisite, but is very likely the primary distinction between man and beast. Only through deliberate thinking can humans deny, restrain, or indulge basic instincts and develop human nature, for better or for worse. Trying to understand one’s existence is a natural, reflexive, down-to-earth human curiosity; it doesn’t have to be arcanely philosophical.

放监前想了一下：「人性」到底是啥呢？没人性的人具体缺乏了些什么呢？「我思故我在」可能应该翻译为：「我思，故我如是？」 思考虽可令人迷茫，却是人与自身兽性斗争的主要手段，甚至唯一手段，因为只有经过思考，人类才会刻意控制天生兽欲，培养所谓「人性」。不一定是什么深邃哲理哦！只不过尽量认识一下匆匆而过的一生而已；连这也懒得好奇的话，恐怕只能跟随天性吃喝拉睡，与禽兽无别，如此人身纵使难得，得来干嘛呢？

Justice is paradoxically unique and universal, intuitive and complex all at once. Humanity seems further from universal justice after millennia of contemplation, deliberation, and experimentation. It was high time that some prisoner gave this dead-end issue some good thinking in his plentiful spare time. I volunteered. From social justice, my reverie ventured into slippery territories like reincarnation.

公平公义比自由更难掌握。一般人可能并不真正需要自由，却真心渴望公平，起码希望自己的人生比其他人的更公平。富人们都说：「人生根本就沒有『公平』这码事，认命免得瞎折腾」真的吗？也许公义类似财富，一般人永不嫌多，盲目追求，却极少花时间究其本质。趁着坐牢有空，将这难题思考了一下。 美國法庭的定罪率非常高，但其中只有大概百分之二—— 2%左右 —— 的案件完成審訊程序，其餘都是經「認罪協商」定罪的，原因很簡單。。。 想不到这班穷师兄对公平公义的见解竟然与索罗斯或盖茨之流甚为相近。 由社会公义扯到轮回业力似乎有点远，有点玄，但所有人间课题，一直追问下去都会变得玄之又玄，没有例外。。。

Freedom is a bewitching phantom. Many who defend it with a passion don’t seem to know what it is. They can’t define or describe its basic features, significance, or potential meaning to our lives. Why is it so blindly, embraced? If a hungry person gets food, he gobbles it up. What would an unfree person do if given unlimited freedom? These questions tickled my mind when I stood still to kill time in jail, surrounded by men who had been denied freedom

自由一词在近代非常流行，但不少誓死捍卫自由的人似乎从未思考过自由的基本性质或定义，就算本身的「自由」从未受到威胁，也照样着魔，究竟是什么原因呢？饥饿的人得到食物都会饱餐一顿，失去自由的人重获自由会如何反应则很难预测，证明「自由」没有标准。此时此刻被迫在塘福花厅的嘈杂声中沉思静修，望着网外的浪球和一群失去了自由的人，不由自主地思考着何谓自由。

窗外 传来几声清脆啁啾，生气勃勃，比野猫叫春悦耳太多了。鸟儿正在摸黑觅食，预示黎明将至。假如来生做蚯蚓，定要记得懒床，早起的虫儿被鸟啄。 怒眼疲乏不堪，却仍然死不瞑目地盯着眼前的空洞。 有很多理由愤怒，然而经过了一晚上的自我折腾，这些理由更加凌乱琐碎，失去了内容。有内容又如何？都是些反逻辑的垃圾，只能用来证明逻辑失去了地位，也许向来都没有地位…… 如此下去，不消一年便会肝火焚身。将自己判个半死刑，值得吗？ 集中精神深呼吸：鼻孔吸气，悠长细腻，直达小腹，寻肝清火。 其实全身都是负能量，吸到那里都一样，像海上油污要逐点局部清理，急不来。不呼不吸谓之息，经人中呼出的气热辣辣，像欧洲喷火龙。很想熄灭怒火，入睡造梦，逃避到另一个世界，起码另一个处境，什么处境都不打紧，肯定比目前强。 当真？什么处境也比目前强? 想清楚哦！心想事成的话，不要后悔哦！ 稍微冷静客观想象一下，发觉很多人一生中的每一天都比这境况糟糕百倍，千倍，万倍。自怜也得有谱，年近花甲了，还扮巨婴？ 假如生在一个资源丰富武器落后的国家，遇上流年不利的话，走个普通衰运也会家破人亡。孩子们在田野嬉戏

Do they mean to frame and jail innocent people? Don’t think so. They probably think they’re doing the right thing, if they bother to think at all. It’s only a job, a game with simple rules for simple people to play out their assigned roles in a world they don’t understand, but too lazy or afraid to ponder. Forgive them, or turn into ashes before 27 May 2014 — a simple choice.

As I worry about security and safety in HongKong's worst hellhole, more guards show up. Don’t know how many. The silence tells me there are more than one. Unlike the duty officer, their steps are light, purposeful, and ominous. Without a word, the gate is opened. Without a word, they leave. Quietness resumes, punctuated by caterwauling, humans snoring, and the roaring of my internal furnace stoked up afresh by volatile adrenalin and dark energy.

上回说到我取过晚餐后，跟着大队继续前行，复杂不安的心情的背后竟然有些急不急待！扰攘了大半天，终于可以亲自见识「地狱监房」究竟有多恐怖了。。。

Prison is not at all like what I had imagined

当笼车转入狭窄的「蝴蝶谷」时，庞大丑陋的荔枝角收押所赫然出现在狭路尽头。山穷水尽，走投无路，与蝴蝶自由浪漫的形象截然相反。荔枝角大堂与想象中的监房有天壤之别。

The learned judge looks fancy today, donning a yellowish springy peruke, looking like an emoji. The gallery quiets down. Everyone stands.

黑色大卡车在法院地牢停车场的小斜坡上一颠一簸地爬往出口，窗口都封上了铁丝网，如临大敌。地狱囚车的引擎和避震很晦气，每一步都很勉强，像头力不从心的老牛，却苦于未到法定退役年龄。约翰和我手铐相连，同坐一排，我靠窗，他靠中间走道。一位阿Sir给我们各派一个口罩，预警「外面有记者」。。。车场大闸缓缓上升，露出一线阳光。好像很久没有见过阳光一样，感觉陌生。一群人背光而上，照相机贴着窗门的铁网乱拍一通，像鬼魅，更像在粪堆抢食的苍蝇；我和约翰在他们眼中是热辣辣的新鲜粪便。

【Flower Lounge】 Table of Content and Chapter One -- Broken Reality. Prison was diabolically different from what I had imagined. During my first day in jail, reality broke.

《花厅》自白、目录，与第一章【断片】：一刹那前，犯人们还在高谈阔论想当年，欢乐之声震动着整个楼层，与走廊上以超高分贝广播电台节目的大喇叭斗闹。并无转眼之间，一切都静了下来。囚犯的叫嚷变了隆隆鼻鼾与零星窃语。令人窒息的浓烟也消减不少，尿骚味变得显著起来。两个截然不同的场景，唯一的连接是自以为一直没有中断的知觉。

Flower Lounge is 'prison' in Triad parlance. It's a true story, but a story after all. It focuses on my experience as a prisoner from the moment of conviction to eventual discharge & how I responded to the abrupt transition physically and emotionally. I've also shared selected stories of the inmates and guards, as well as some lighthearted moments. Flower Lounge made me rethink the judiciary traditions from a different angle, and the delusive nature of freedom and justice.

「花厅」是个真实的故事。真实，因为绝大部分的情节、人物、场景，都曾经存在、发生、经历、体验、反思，被详细记录在三本监房日记，但仍然只不过是个故事。     「花厅」写的虽然是亲身经验，有很高的自传成分，却终归只不过是个故事。「真实」的人生只能凭借「故事」来充分表达；只有故事才可以重组碎片，连贯所见、所闻、所思、所感，调节焦距，将模糊的细节清晰，将幻有幻无的「现实」显影定形。反正「真作假时假亦真」，更真实也无非幻觉，如何虚构也离不开现实。       坐牢的滋味并非千篇一律。铁窗背后同样有喜怒哀乐，换了角度看人生看世界，拉开了距离，可能更客观，也可能更觉荒诞。 一般人真的渴望自由吗？一个受财力影响的司法制度可以公平吗？

这是一篇2013年在「过渡」发表的旧博文。这迷离的巧合，启发我对「圣士提反屠杀」做了一些研究，后来写了短篇故事「慰安妇艾莲娜」

Ken finds his old school mates absurdly bizarre, yet ordinary & common at the same time. Is this mass demantia? How may it end?